Look for some pants

You realize that you need pants. Searching around, you find a pair of tights. They're pink, but for the moment they'll do. You pull them on over your hairy legs. You make a mental note to shave them soon. Well, in any case, you've got your pants now, and are ready for an exciting day.

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, a blowdart filled with a tranquilizer hits the back of your head. You feel woozy, then fall over.

You wake up in a chair at the foot of an enormous conference table. All around you the room is filled with futuristic control panels and mainframes. You look up at the other end of the table, only to see... your arch rival Ronny Wallbank!

"Well," you say, "If it isn't Johnny Wallbank's evil twin Ronny. Last time I saw you you were knee-high by the Fourth of July."

"Your cunning words will not get you out of this situation," he says, "I've got you right where I want you."

"Do your worst!" you shout, "or your best, for that matter, since your best is still pretty bad."

He ignores you and continues, "I have devised three cunning deathtraps for you to choose from. Choose wisely and you may be able to escape. Choose poorly and you will die a slow and painful death. Choose very poorly and you will die a slow and painful death after watching Manos: The Hands of Fate!"

"Nobody is that cruel!" you shout, "The master will be displeased about this!"

"Silence, you Torgolodyte!" he momentarily laughs at his not-so-clever pun, then continues, "The three traps are as follows:

"First is the powerful cutting laser. It will slowly inch up the table between your legs, through the naughty bits, and then up into the abdomen until you die a slow and painful death.

"Second is the blood pump. It will slowly suck blood from your body until you get light-headed and throw up and die. It's a lot less pleasant than it sounds.

"Lastly is the enormous piston. You stand on a platform without any sort of restraint and after a moment it squishes you flat."