Recent Articles
- Art
- Articles
- Cheese
- Chemistry
- Cleberty
- Devil's List
- Economics
- Farmers
- Feedback
- George Orwell
- Golden Whip of Unusualness
- Good Words
- Inventory
- Lady C-3PO
- Location
- Mail Harry
- New Computer Smell
- New Years Resolutions
- Padiddle
- Pataphor
- People Who Don't Live in Cardboard Towns
- Petty Justified
- Pokemon Soccer
- Punching People in the Head
- Purple Balcony of Doom and Altoids
Link To The Encyclopedia
|
| This website and its contents are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License |
Methods of Escape
Escaping Objects
Escaping Boomerangs
Do not panic when the boomerang approaches. Turn and walk briskly directly away from the oncoming boomerang. It will eventually tire of the chase and return to its owner.
Escaping Rocks
Rocks are everywhere. The average distance between a person and the nearest rock is about 1.4 meters. There are some places where rocks are less common, however. The top of a skyscraper can put up to several hundred meters between you and the nearest rock, but the CEOs that can be found at the tops of skyscrapers often maintain Zen gardens or have a pet rock, both of which are against our purpose. CEOs are less common on commercial airplane flights, but little children can be found and many have rocks in their shoes or their heads. The ice floes of the arctic can be many miles from the nearest rock, and are usually devoid of children or CEOs. The arctic is inhospitable, however, and often marauding tribes of polar bears can savage even the most intrepid explorers. Interstellar space seems the most reasonable choice to avoid rocks. Often many cubic miles of space can be devoid of any matter larger than uh, quarks. Or cosmic rays.
Escaping Keyboards
Just press the one in the top left corner. Good work.
Escaping Creatures
Escaping Denizens of the Deep
To escape a sea creature one must simply exit the sea by the quickest means possible. Various methods include a rope ladder attached to a coast guard helicopter, a beach, a dock, a barrel, a rock outcropping, a surfboard, or a lifeboat. If none of these means are readily accessible then caution must be exercised. Do not excite the local wildlife. Avoid looking like a damaged harp seal. Avoid looking like krill. Avoid using a shark-call. Remain calm and still and help may arrive before the ravenous beasts of the deep drag you down to a watery grave.
Escaping Man-Eating Tigers
The key to escaping man-eating tigers is to remain out of their range. If you are reading this guide you're probably in luck, as it is not published outside of civilized areas. Man-eating tigers are normally found in stereotypical jungle settings. If you see millions of vines that swing easily and can support the weight of a human you must beware. Any place where you hear distant drums and your guide tells you "The natives are restless" must be avoided. Should you encounter a man-eating tiger despite your best efforts to the contrary then avoid being a man. Instead act like some kind of animal the tiger might be unsure of, like a damaged harp seal or perhaps a human female this may also throw the tiger off. Do not turn and run quickly, or climb a tree. Tigers can chase things and can probably climb trees, too. Instead, seek the Bear, a tiger's natural enemy in the stereotypical jungles. They can usually be found singing and eating honey, so listen for folksy tunes or a distinct buzzing sound. The bear may not be willing to help you at first, but bears are often corruptible and will accept bribes.
Escaping a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal is an exceptionally dumb creature and will assume that if you cannot see it it cannot see you. Escape is as simple as wrapping a towel around your head and carefully walking away from the beast. If you have no towel (for shame!) then attempt to make due by closing your eyes tightly. The beast has poor eyesight, so it might help to say "Hey, I can't see you" just to be sure it gets the idea. If you lack eyelids as well as a towel, then tell the creature your name and then steal his list of people he's eaten lately and write your name down. The beast will look at the list later, see your name, and then assume you were eaten after all.
Escaping People
Escaping a Blind Person
Slowly walk away from the person, careful not to make any noise that could set off their sensitive hearing. Under no circumstances are you to reply "Polo" no matter how tempting it may be.
Escaping Brides
Avoid eye-contact. Do not attempt to marry the bride. Although her dress and fancy shoes may seem to inhibit speed modern cuts of dresses can leave a Bride with surprising mobility. Do not be caught unawares. If a Bride gets within range she may latch onto you and then attempt to have her picture taken as she clutches mightily to you. Try to make funny faces. If she gets angry apply the flat of your palm to her nose and run away as soon as her grip loosens. If done properly her eyes will water and she will be unable to properly focus her heat-vision on you. Alternately, tell her a sad story about a puppy. This will make her cry, thus allowing you to crush her nose bone and make your escape.
Escaping Multiple Armed Men
When confronted by multiple armed men it is wise to not jest concerning their additional arms. In most circumstances an odd number of limbs is caused by a birth defect or perhaps gamma rays. In either case it is wise to not anger the men more than necessary and instead run away as fast as possible. Do not climb trees in an attempt to escape.
Escaping a group of people with weapons
The easiest way to elude a group of people with ill intentions is to find a nearby person larger than any of the people you're fleeing from and punch him in the breadbasket. In a best-case scenario the large man will fight with your pursuers over who gets the right to beat the crap out of you. More common is the scenario where the pursuers watch the large man crush your lifeless husk of a body with his fists and the pursuers will be taken to a more sanguine humor. In a worst-case scenario the large man will team up with your pursuers and you will surely die.