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Chemistry
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last century or so, you’ve probably heard of this thing called chemistry. It’s quite an elaborate thing, with charts, graphs and solute equilibrium equations, electron structures, boiling point/freezing point solution equations and lots of other stuff. But what if I told you that it was all lies? What if I said that chemistry is nothing but a myth, created to keep you from the truth? What if I told you that I wasn’t just saying this because I hate my chemistry class with a hatred that I normally reserve for commie Nazis who star in reality TV shows?
You would laugh in my face, that’s what. “Don’t be silly,” you would say. “We all know that chemistry is scientific fact.” And then the politically correct people would say nasty things about me because of my unwarranted aggression towards commie Nazis who dabble in popular culture. It would be a bummer for me all around.
But bummer for me or not, I’m telling you anyways. Chemistry is a lie, or at least modern chemistry is. We don’t really have elements like “Einsteinium” or “Beryllium,” or whatever “Pb” stands for. No, all we have are four elements. Fire, air, water and something else, earth I think, or maybe chicken sandwiches, which are tasty when spicy.
Yes, you read that right. The original Greeks, and every RPG video game where you have to collect elemental crystals, got it right. Everything around us is composed of mixtures of fire, air, water, and something else. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure that something else was earth. Don’t hold me to it though.
So why then do we use this obviously inferior and false method with “electrons” and “Protons” and all that other stuff? To answer this question, I’m going to have to tell you a story. A story so deeply rooted in the annals of history, that there’s no reason at all to question it’s truth, or my competence, or anything else that would make you say “You don’t know what the heck you’re talking about.”
The Story About the Greek Dudes and Some Other Dudes
(Totally Not Made Up.)
Once upon a time, there were the Ancient Greek Thinkers. They were very important back in their day, but times were different then. Back then you could pay the bills by sitting on stone benches wrapped in a bed sheet, while looking thoughtful so Michelangelo could paint you many years later. Since their job obviously rocked far harder then any profession that would require the performing of some sort of necessary task, they were very protective of their job. The fear that somebody would one day say, “Hey, they’re just sitting around wearing silly bedsheets!” and reveal their easy life as a sorry sham, was a very prevalent fear among the Ancient Greek Thinkers.
Therefore, they spent most of their time trying to keep other people, who didn’t sit around all day, away from them and their easy living. They did this through an ingenious method called “Making simple things too darn complicated.” It’s a time tested procedure that many companies, such as Microsoft, use to this day. Explaining the workings of such a system to you would be complicated and difficult, so for your convenience, I have provided an example of how the system worked.
- Normal Guy
- Hey, you know those elements, right? I can’t seem to remember if it’s fire water air and earth, or fire water air and chicken sandwiches. Could you tell me which it is?
- Greek Thinker
- Ha! You’d like it to be so simple, wouldn’t you! It’s neither! The basic elements of matter are far more complicated than that!
- Normal Guy
- Really?
- Greek Thinker
- Totally! There are far more elements then the ones that are simple and easy to remember! They have stupidly hard names like “einsteinium” and “beryllium,” as well as stupid symbols like “Pb!”
- Normal Guy
- That sucks! I don’t want anything to do with a system so stupidly over-complicated!
- Greek Thinker
- Then stay far away from that place where us thinkers do all our thinking! All we ever do is mess with stupidly over-complicated stuff like that!
- Normal Guy
- Okay.
- Greek thinker
- <under his breath> Sucker!
And so, in protecting their lazy lifestyle, the ancient Greek Thinkers brought about the myth that there were lots of elements and chemicals, instead of the four simple ones. The problem was, by the 1800’s people began taking them seriously. It started out simple enough, an oxygen here, a carbon there, but soon it was out of control. The next thing you know, we had a whole chart of elements, all because some ancient Greek dudes wanted the easy life.
It’s too late to change the periodic table back to the way it was. Too many people have spent years learning the complex web of lies, and changing it back would make them feel bad. And so we are stuck with chemistry as we know it, a complicated mess of formulas and symbols. It’s sad, but there is nothing we can do.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to study for my Chem. finals.