Recent Articles
- Art
- Articles
- Cheese
- Chemistry
- Cleberty
- Devil's List
- Economics
- Farmers
- Feedback
- George Orwell
- Golden Whip of Unusualness
- Good Words
- Inventory
- Lady C-3PO
- Location
- Mail Harry
- Methods of Escape
- New Years Resolutions
- Padiddle
- Pataphor
- People Who Don't Live in Cardboard Towns
- Petty Justified
- Pokemon Soccer
- Punching People in the Head
- Purple Balcony of Doom and Altoids
|
| This website and its contents are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License |
New Computer Smell
For many moons I have survived on a computer that was, shall we say, less than adequate?. those days were trying and tough. The PC I used had all the raw power of an outdated portable computer, only without any of the portability. It's a wonder I survived.
But survive I did! And eventually my trials and tribulations in college, compounded by the obvious need for a better note-taking device, I have managed to replace my ancient machine, now considered the technological equivalent of an abacus, with a brand new laptop, more powerful than most of the PC's in my home. What’s not to like?
Plenty.
Obtaining a new computer is a painful and disgusting process full of hatred and inconvenience. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. It just so happens I’m in the process of writing an article about why you’re wrong! This one.?
The Setup Process
Personal computers are like bedrooms. Each person has it especially tailored and set up to their own exacting needs. This means that using a new computer is like suddenly moving into someone else's bedroom. Only they don't have anything except an outdated version of internet explorer and a trial version of microsoft word. Basically, the equivalents of very small, smudged up window, and an unusual object that takes up the same space as a bed, but cannot be slept in, sat on, or used in any way. Also, you have to fill out five forms to enter this room, three of them designed to help you use A dial-up connection for AOL, when you already own a high-speed router and bell south subscription.
Also a clock that's 8 or nine hours off.
Transferring Crap
After you've completed the lengthy process of actually getting into your new computer, it's time to begin the magical fun of moving your stuff in. In most cases, this consists of 4 or 5 hours of moving all your music, term papers, roms of borderline legality, .mov files of poorly subtitled cartoons from Japan, and .jpg files of all your digital camera photos from the family reunion two years ago where Uncle Jake got wasted and started dancing on the table in his pink boxer shorts, while making indecent propositions to his new trophy wife, Belinda.
You know. The ones in the file titled "Blackmail".
Downloading More Crap
Some of the things you need to effectively not get any work done on your new machine are easier to find in that horrible hell pit known as the internet. Some things are easy to find, such as the deluxe Cave Story download, or the latest version of Firefox. But do you really have any idea where you found the "Lyle in the Cube Sector" download? And your Mozilla Firefox add-ons! How else will you be able to keep constantly up to date on whether Abe Vigoda is alive or dead?
Not that you really need to know that. He was alive long enough to complete his masterpiece?. Great art is immortal.
New computers are smelly
Seriously! Mine still has that rank and disgusting new computer smell! It's like what styrofoam would smell like if the packing material had an armpit! An armpit it could fart out of!
Dude! that's like the most awesome useless super power/birth defect ever!
This article is over now
Remember! Through hard work and perseverance, you can make your new computer almost as good as your old computer! Through suffering great things can happen! So when your new mouse driver least decides it doesn't want to make friends with your printer software, and the two get into a brutal war, and the collateral damage claims the life of your innocent hard drive, just remember: You're making progress.