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New Years Resolutions
Each and every year, stupid people around the world make themselves promises. And they call these promises New Year’s Resolutions, because that’s the period on the calendar in which these promises are made, broken and forgotten.
It remains unclear why people think that they will be able to keep these New Year’s resolutions. If pattern recognition is to be trusted, it could easily be postulated that New Year’s is the worst time to make any sort of resolution you want kept, seeing as they are the most commonly broken. Unfortunately, seeing as Arbor Day’s Resolutions have yet to catch on, it appears that this unfortunate trend of only resolving things at New Years and then disappointing yourself when you break them, is here to stay.
So is there any way to tell what someone might resolve?
Of course there is! Pattern Recognition has taught us that there are certain resolutions that remain constant each year. We at the encyclopedia have taken the liberty of listing a few of the most popular ones, as well as a few of the unpopular ones who hang out with the popular ones in a desperate attempt to survive off their popularity, like some sort of girl in High School.
Getting in shape
Everybody wants to look like they did ten years ago. Well, everybody over twenty-five, it would be silly to want to look like you did when you were, say, eleven. And I should mention that this doesn’t apply to people who suddenly started working out less than ten years ago to obtain the figure of a Greek God around five years ago. Nor does this apply to people who received massive plastic surgery in order to hide from the mob or the US government less than ten years ago, because that would put them at risk for being recaptured and interrogated in some horrible mafia dungeon.
Whatever. The point is, people generally want to look in shape and healthy. And for good reasons too. Being in shape means you’ll live longer, and be more desired by the opposite sex. It also means you can walk around naked, and fewer people will complain.
The reason this resolution fails so often, is because while being in shape is cool, getting in shape sucks. It’s like a mountain really. When you’re in shape, you’re at the top of the mountain, and you can sit back and enjoy the view and be desired by the opposite sex all day long. But when you’re out of shape you’re at the bottom of the mountain. And when you’re at the bottom of the mountain, your only options are to work your way to the top, which is hard, take the helicopter/liposuction way to the top, which is expensive, or convince yourself that the top is not as awesome, as that box of doughnuts over there. The choice is easy, and the doughnuts are delicious.
Do better at work or school
It’s ridiculously obvious why nobody keeps this particular resolution. Take work, for example. Your boss, regardless of how nice he may act is a member of the dreaded, feared management and therefore worthy of all the revenge you can muster. Your Co-workers are only fun at the office Christmas Party. When they’re in various stages of intoxication. And that other place is hiring! Well that’s all there is too it, then! Screw this dump! It’s onward to better and brighter things!
As for doing better at school, at all levels of formal education, there are better things to be doing with your time. At elementary school, it’s the monkey bars. At middle school, it’s being an idiot, regarded with disdain by all of humanity, to stupid to be respected, but no longer cute enough to get by on your good looks and charm. In high school, it’s doing whatever’s cool at the moment. Don’t ask me what that thing might be, darn kids with their big hair and their music that’s not as good as what you listen to. In the first two years of college, it’s trying to cope with the world around you. The last two years of college should be when Alcohol becomes available to you, and it’s pretty obvious what you should be doing at that point.
Everything else people resolve to do
Don’t look at me man, it’s not my fault you’re a failure.
In conclusion
Skip the hassle and don’t make any resolutions this year. Unless you’re one of those people with willpower and strength of resolve to make your resolution a reality.
If that is the case, you should know that normal people all over the world hate you, and wish you would simply get with the program already.