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The Little Protractor That Could
Once upon a time in the land of Grog there lived a little protractor. This protractor couldn't afford all the fancy moving parts or special features of one of those high-end Engineer's Protractors. This protractor was a simple protractor, getting by with what he had going for him. In this he found peace and contentment.
Then one day as he was measuring angles (as all good protractors do) he came upon the biggest angle you could possible imagine. Now this little protractor had seen his share of obtuse angles in his life, but this was so big he could scarcely imagine!
Holy flying crawdaddies, Thought the little protractor, There’s no way I’ll ever measure that angle! So the little protractor did the only thing he could think to do. He gathered up his traveling gear and embarked on a quest to find some help to measure this daunting angle.
Down the long road the little protractor traveled, until he came upon a big buff jock. "Help, help," said the protractor, "I need someone to help me measure an angle!"
"What the heck are you," said the jock. "Some kinda freaky plastic doughnut?"
"No," said the little protractor, "I’m a protractor."
"Is that like, a tractor that’s really good at tractoring?"
"Are you going to help me or not?" The little protractor was getting impatient.
"Sorry, little plastic doughnut thing, I gotta get to the big game!" So the big jock left the little protractor.
The little protractor quietly watched the Jock disappear into the distance, then continued his own travels. He walked the long road until he saw a VFW in the distance. "I know I’ll find somebody old and smart to measure the angle for me in there," he said to himself, revealing his increasing mental instability.
Inside the VFW the little protractor found two old guys sitting in armchairs. "Help, help," said the protractor, "I need someone to help me measure an angle!"
"What the heck are you," said the old guy. "Some kinda freaky plastic doughnut?"
"No, you idiot, It’s a protractor!" The second old guy beat the first over the head with his cane to emphasize his point.
"Is that anything like a Slide Rule?" Said the first old guy.
"No, you blockhead, you measure angles with it!" Again the second man administered a swift blow with the cane.
"I remember the great Slide Rule war..." The first one started.
"Oh, hell, now you’ve got him started," The second old guy sighed heavily, apparently talking to an empty chair.
"I was a corporal in the battle of the bull bulge. Then my platoon was surrounded! JACKSON! GET DOWN! FIRE IN THE HOLE!" The old man jumped out of the chair and rolled several feet, but something inside him snapped. "AUGH! MY HIP! AUAUAUUGAUHUAHUGUUAHUHAGHUHAGUAGHA!"
Disgusted, the little protractor left the VFW and the foaming war veteran to again travel the long road and find someone to help him measure the really big angle.
After a time, he came upon a little choo-choo train on little choo-choo tracks at a crossing over the long road. He was going to ask the train for help, but then the little protractor remembered that inanimate objects don’t talk.
After having a good chuckle at himself the little protractor crossed the choo-choo tracks and walked further down the road. There he found a collage student. "Help, help," Said the protractor, "I need someone to help me measure an angle!"
The college student looked at him. "Hey, aren’t you a protractor?"
The little protractor nodded.
"I like protractors."
The little protractor nodded.
The college student started to drool.
"Uh… are you okay?" The protractor looked somewhat worried.
"I’m fine! I just have to do a septillion page report and dissect 14 chickens and attack a freshman and discover the meaning of life and juggle three relationships and work 40 hours a week and I haven’t slept in three weeks and I hate my life please kill me now I want to die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE!" The collage student burst into tears and ran off.
"Uh... thanks?" The little protractor again turned and pounded pavement down the long road. "Poor protractor," he said, "nobody wants to help him measure the angle." It was looking grim for the little protractor's continued mental health.
But then, help came from a spunky source. "I’m a fifth grader," the young girl explained, "and I'm here to help."
"But you’re just a fifth grader," the protractor protested, "Do you even know how to use me?"
"Sure! Let’s go!" So the protractor showed her the angle, and she started measuring.
"I think I can," The little protractor said, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can I-"
"What are you doing?’ The little fifth grader looked puzzled.
"Uh… measuring the angle."
"I already did that." The fifth grader said, "It’s 167 degrees."
"Oh. Well, thanks."
MORAL: A protractor is a measuring instrument, typically made of transparent plastic, for measuring angles.