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Tipping
Tipping, like rollerskating, cheese-making, and pipe smoking, is a dying art form. Gone are the days of old when large groups of burgeoning mathematicians and economists went to restaurants for the sole purpose of attempting to equitably split the bill. In this computer age with its slide rules and its included gratuity few know how to properly leave a tip. After doing much research in ancient etiquette tomes I have compiled the following list of tipping guidelines, from common to esoteric.
| Bartender | $2 for each terrible secret you reveal. |
| Beach-goer | $10 for a one-piece swimsuit, $20 for a two-piece, $30 for a three-piece, and so on. |
| Blogger | $5 per article |
| Bureaucrat | $12 |
| Busker | $3-$5 |
| Celebrity | $2 |
| Coffee Shop Barista | All the change in your pockets with mumbled apology |
| Comedian | “Don’t quit your day job” |
| Doorman | $5 |
| Dry nurse | $15 |
| ER doctor | $50 |
| Exorcist | $4 for a demon, $8 for a cacodemon, $16 for a cyberdemon, $20 for Satan himself |
| Fireman | $15, $25 if they save your home |
| Fortune Teller | 10% bonus if the predictions are true (they will know). |
| Hairdresser | $5, or one dollar for every linear foot of hair removed, whichever is more. |
| Hot Dog Vendor | $5 home, $2 away |
| Ice Cream Barista | $2-$4, but only if they’re not looking. |
| Nun | $20 same as in town |
| Mobster | 5%, 10% if you have nice stuff |
| Police Officer | 10% |
| Private Eye | 5%, or warning of an impending assassination |
| Rejuvenator | $20 for each year your life is prolonged. |
| Restaurant Server | 20% |
| Restaurant Server (good service) | 20% |
| Restaurant server (poor service) | 25% (guilt them) |
| Rich Uncle Pennybags | $200 |
| Stripper | $5 per article |
| Taxi driver | $10 weekday, $15 weekend, $20 no awkward conversation. |
| Teamster | $10 (double for union) |
| Troubadour | $5 per octave |
| Velocipedist | $3 per axle |
| Wet nurse | $20 |
| Witch Doctor | $5 per hex |