Smoking

SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Studies have shown that people who smoke are more likely to develop lung cancer, throat cancer, mouth cancer, and cancer cancer. They will live shorter lives and be plagued by great black gobs of phlegm in their later life. They smell bad. They are shunned and feared by Non-smokers. They are inconvenienced and persecuted by the government which is even as we speak trying to figure out a way to keep them from ever smoking anywhere on earth.

There. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, we can get down to business. First, let me say that I don't smoke. I already have enough respiratory problems and allergies without adding on the additional strain of smoking to my already shaky health. I like being healthy, and I like getting better deals on my life insurance. So it's unlikely I'll ever take up smoking, except maybe cigars, since they're just cool.

Which brings me to my next point. No matter how many anti-smoking commercials there are, no matter how much legislation is passed in an effort to inform people of just what a horrible, terrible risk it is to smoke, no matter how often you tell a smoker they're taking their life into their hands with every puff, the fact of the matter remains the same. Smoking is cool. I'm sorry, but it's true. If it wasn't cool, nobody would ever start. Sure, the whole addictive substances part takes care of everything after a short time, but at first people smoke because they want to. In turn, they want to because it's cool.

Why is smoking cool? Is it because it seems more "adult" to smoke? That can't be the case, otherwise getting married and paying bills and buying a house would be cool too. Perhaps it's because all those cigarette advertisements make it seem so awesome. Again, this is not the case. Thanks to recent legislation the only place tobacco companies can promote themselves is in Antarctica, Bosnia, and some publications.

What about demons? Surely it's the forces of darkness that are causing mortal men to succumb to this terrible vice. Well, yes, while demons surely are an evil force in the world, I don't think they're to blame for all of the problems of Mankind, cigarettes included.

There is an answer to the question of cigarettes, a real, simple answer.

I cannot even begin to count the number of times I've been standing around, waiting for something, and I've thought to myself, "This would be a perfect time to have a cigarette." This is the reason. Boredom. It is possible to be so bored that you will stick something in your mouth and light it on fire. My friends, I fear for the future of humanity.

So it seems anti-smoking people have taken entirely the wrong direction with their campaigns. Their message, when boiled down to its bare bones, is "Don't smoke, just stand there and do nothing instead." I mean honestly what kind of incentive is that? Sure, you'll live five or ten years longer, but that's five of ten more years of standing around!

So where does that leave us today? Well, smoking is bad. Nobody doubts that. There is no smoker alive today that doesn't know the risks of smoking. And frankly they often wish they'd die just so they wouldn't have to listen to self-righteous non-smokers telling them how terrible their habit is. They smoke anyway because it is cool. It is cool because anything is cooler than standing around like a moron, even when it involves having a fire uncomfortably close to your face. That about sums it up. So go out, give your smoker friend a hug, and tell them they're the way they are because of demonic influence and pour holy water on their head.

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